Who knew you could have so many emotions at once? This year as I’m settling in my third home I’m experiencing new and old emotions all at once. Here is a secret not so secret about immigrating: You will never have a complete 💓. This may sound funny. As humans the heart is a biologically organ that is stuck inside your ribcage and is vital to keep on living. It truly is an interesting organ. Humans as a whole are interesting. But the point is that you may have it as a whole organ inside your ribcage and it will still be in pieces. What do I mean by that?
I mean that as you adapt to your new home your heart won’t ever be completely in one piece as you yearn for things that you will not be able to find from your old home. And when you go to your old home it will never again be one in your old home as you miss things from your new home. It’s a blessing and a curse all at once. Because you get to experience new things and through it you get to grow as a person.
The consequence is your heart will never again be just one. You will love both places fiercely perhaps like a parent who loves both their children. The parent loves both of them and as they grow, they get to know their similarities, differences, advantages, disadvantages and accepts their faults in each. In the end the parent loves the children all the same.
One of the advantages that I’m so blessed with that I have now as I immigrate is technology. I’m able to call my birth family and my friends. See their faces in real time. This was not the case as when I first immigrated. It helps me keep my relationships and at the same time it hurts.
Today I was so happy to be able to witness the growth of my nephew and at the same time I was so terribly sad to not be able to be there in person. To give him a hug and a kiss. What did he do?
Well hold your breath ladies and gentlemen. He pointed at the phone and said my name for the first time. Yes, hold your tears. As an aunt that was one of the best moments in my life and it was possible because of technology. I do have to be honest, I couldn’t stop smiling and yes I cried when I hanged up both of happiness and of longing. I haven’t been able to hold him now for 6 long months. I know it may not seem like a lot but in baby development that’s huge. When he was born I was about to move. I had the privilege to help take care of him for a month. Let me tell you when I left I was so glad to be able to sleep in but so sad because I knew everything I was giving up. I missed his first birthday. I missed his first christmas. Just like I’ve missed the first 3 christmas of my niece.
It’s not the first time I experience that and it surely won’t be the last. I was grateful in that moment for my husband. He came and hugged me and celebrated the fact my nephew recognizes my voice and knows my name even with sooo much physical distance. He made me laugh while crying. And I remember quickly how my heart is also here.
And just like that my heart experience so many emotions that are opposites and it was split being in Canada and being in Germany.
Then I look at these pictures and treasure them and I’m back in Guatemala on my wedding day holding some of the most important people in my life… and life goes on. That’s another day in my integration process.